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This week is going to be a radically different format. Too much was announced at re:Invent last week for me to do a normal issue without snarking myself into a coma. Last Week in AWS as you know it will return next week, as people start peering into the new services that were released and discovering the sharp edges at which I so enjoy poking fun.

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This issue is sponsored by CloudHealth.

With AWS re:Invent 2017 in the rear-view mirror, it’s time to make sense of all the news and events from this massive show (in a less ridiculous way than what you’re about to read!). Join CloudHealth Founder Joe Kinsella to learn: 1) the biggest news to come out of re:Invent 2017, 2) the most surprising things that happened, 3) what it all means for you and your cloud.

Reserve your seat now to see what you missed at re:Invent 2017

And now, with apologies to Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire:”

We Didn’t re:Invent the Fire

Andy Jassey took the stage, Oracle Larry seethed with rage
They’d already trotted out API Gateway access logs
Filter messages in SNS, thanks; my code was quite a mess
Rekognition Video lets me classify the daily goodness of my dogs.

Kinesis can ingest to Splunk, NSA please go home you’re drunk
Finally we get to peer cross-region VPCs.
PrivateLink means you can span it, nobody standing on the planet
Remains to be surprised by managed “kubernetetes”

We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Just selling computing power charged by the instance-hour…
We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Too many things to write up, I’d spend the entire night up

Lambda gets 3 gigs of RAM, more S3 leaks are so my jam
Amazon MQ: you are the worst of all the queues
Fargate serverless containers, SageMaker for your ML trainers
Goldman Sachs on AWS?! I’m gonna need more booze…

Aurora’s going multi-region; (multi-master today, the rest next season)
DeepLens camera means AI’s not just for photographic stills
Hey Alexa, who just joined?” a pile of cash has gone purloined
Hey I get it– I’ve seen lots of monstrous cloudy bills

We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Just selling computing power charged by the instance-hour…
We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Too many things to write up, I’d spend the entire night up

Lambda@Edge got more features, Sumerian displays some creatures
Sorry, Apple beat you to the Animoji punch
Elemental Media(some words), five services– that seems absurd
Why not just call it “Amazon YouTube” and then try to eat their lunch?

ThreatStack, Dome9, Evident.io, should all be fine
But GuardDuty looks a lot like Amazon is trying to slit their throats
A lot of partners in this fight, AWS tries to kill them in the night
If they launch “AWS Self-Mockery” I’ll be in the same boat.

We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Just selling computing power charged by the instance-hour…
We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Too many things to write up, I’d spend the entire night up

Serverless App Repo, Lambda will be getting Go
I have to say that Werner sounded really really pissed
Glacier and S3 get Select, okay hold on what the heck
To Athena that’s not a middle finger, it’s a fist

Lambda gets blue-green deploys, IoT Defender means my daughter’s toys
Aren’t fourth and inches from becoming an Advanced Persistent Threat
Serverless Aurora’s falling into place, Neptune’s a Giraffic Database
Why do giraffes even need a DB? There’s something I don’t get...

We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Just selling computing power charged by the instance-hour…
We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Too many things to write up, I’d spend the entire night up

SaaS platform managed NTP, encryption options for S3
To help better secure your data lake
I didn’t see much re:Play but I’m told the DJ
Was reported to be (and this is cool) an actual freaking snake.

We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Just selling computing power charged by the instance-hour…
We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Too many things to write up, I’d spend the entire night up

Transcribe, Comprehend, Translate’s a bit around the bend
Amazon Appsync: click “next” to receive your app
Dynamo gets backups yay much joy, Lambda support in CodeDeploy,
Cloud9 the serverless IDE isn’t vim so thus it’s crap

We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Just selling computing power charged by the instance-hour…
We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Too many things to write up, I’d spend the entire night up

We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Just selling computing power charged by the instance-hour…
We didn’t re:Invent the fire
Too many things to write up, I’d spend the entire night up